If You Say Goodbye/3

EN= Chapter Three – Farewell

All Sai had wanted was to see Martha again—to make toys for his old friend and see her smile again. How had such a simple desire led him to commit this atrocity against the lows of nature? The device felt heavy in his hands, but he kept hold of it all the same.

‘Where did I go wrong? How can I possibly make up for this? Somebody… Please, somebody, tell me what to do...’

For a moment, it felt like something had brushed Sai’s shoulder. It was probably just his imagination—he was so desperate for human contact his mind was playing tricks on him. But he couldn’t help looking all the same.

‘Nobody there… Haha, of course not. I’m all alone.’

The street was deathly silent, without so much as a breeze to disturb the fallen leaves on the ground. Sai smirked, ashamed of his own foolishness.

How could he have let himself get his hopes up like that?

‘Aww, I finally got to see you smile again, but you don’t look happy at all.’

Sai knew that voice. He’d know it anywhere. He’d spent most of his life wishing he could hear it again.

‘Martha…? I-Is that you? Please, if you’re here, show yourself! Talk to me, Martha!’

He didn’t care if it was real or a hallucination anymore. If Martha was here, there was hope. Sai broke into a run, scrambling through the streets, but there was no sign of Martha. Only her voice remained.

‘You’ve been crying for such a long time, Sai. I thought you’d have found to something to smile about by now.’

‘I-I’m not crying. Why would I be sad? It’s not like you’re gone. We’ll see each other again someday, so...’

Even as he spoke, Sai realized he was wrong—his cheeks were wet with tears. How long had he been crying?

‘No… Deep down, I always knew that you were gone. That you weren’t coming back.’

He’d tried to deny this—buried himself in his work to avoid thinking about it-- but there was no more hiding from the truth.

‘I used to love making toys, I loved seeing the kids in the park play with them. But it was having my best friend alongside me that made it all worthwhile. I couldn’t accept that you were really gone, Martha. That you were really...dead.’

The words came spilling out, and Sai became aware of a bright light that hadn’t been there before. It was so dazzling he had to shield his eyes against it. All the long hours in his workshop over the last thirty years had made him indifferent to things like weather and natural light. Now, a long-forgotten sensation was beginning to stir in his mind. He remembered what it was like to walk with warm sunshine kissing his skin.

Sai fell to his knees. When he opened his eyes, he found himself face-to-face with his old friend.

‘I’m sad we won’t get to play together anymore, too. But so long as you can move on and keep living your life, I’ll be right there with you.’

A smile finally broke through Sai’s tears—a genuine one this time, one that made him look much more like his old self again.

‘I have to move on, don’t I? Oh, Martha… I must have made you so sad all this time.’

‘Right, that machine you made is cool and all, but it’s just not you. You always seemed happier when you were making toys.’

‘I guess you’re right. When I try to make anything else, it always goes wrong.’

They stayed like that for some time, chatting and catching up as if nothing had changed. In the midsts of that cold, empty world, there were still two souls with warmth in their hearts. It was like a dream come true. But during a break in their conversation, Sai realized how quiet the rest of the town was.

It was time for the dream to end.

‘I have to go, before everyone comes back. I told Aidios that you’re not a bad person, and you didn’t mean to do this. She said She’d forgive you if you can let me go.’

Martha took a step backwards.

‘Goodbye, Sai. I’m really happy I got to be friends with. And… I like you better when you smile.’

Sai took a deep breath and rose to his feet. He had to do this right. Tears were steaming down his face, but he kept his voice steady.

‘Thank you, Martha. I’m so glad I got to see you again. And don’t worry—I won’t let you down. I’ll live a good life. I’ll make you proud.’

Two words from him, and the miracle that he’d worked so hard to achieve would be over. Part of him wanted to keep hiding from the truth, to make this moment last forever. But that temptation soon passed. He knew what he had to do, and he’d see off his old friend with the brightest smile he could muster. He wanted Martha to remember him like this.

‘...Goodbye, Martha.’

The girl was already starting to fade from view, as if melting into the sunlight. She kept waving the whole time, until finally, she was gone. Sai became dimly aware of a strange sound—a low-pitched drone that was gradually getting higher and higher.

The world seemed to change in the blink of an eye. The town was once more teeming with life, the people on their feet again and going about their business like nothing had happened.

Sai walked through the streets in a daze. Perhaps it was instinct, or nostalgia, or Aidio’s guidance that him to the park. Children gathered around him, looking at the strange machine under his arm.

‘Hey, Mister! What’s that thing?’

‘What’s it for?’

‘How does it work?’

Sai smiled. He knelt down and started tearing apart his invention, rearranging the components into something completely different.

‘Ta-da! It’s a butterfly. It uses orbal energy and the wind to fly.’

‘Wow, cool!’

‘I want one, too!’

‘Let’s have a race and see whose can fly the farthest!’

Sai worked quickly, and in a few minutes, the was alive with dancing butterflies and the laughter of children. JP="下巻【哀悼の蝶】 ただ、昔のようにおもちゃを手に取って一緒に笑い合いたか っただけだった. サイにとっては、ありふれた当然の願い. し かし自然の摂理からすれば、人の身では届くはずのない無謀な 願いだった. 今となっては忌々しい存在となり下がった装置を 抱えながら、サイは街中の人々を殺した罪に、ただただ絶望し ていた. 「どこで間違えたっていうんだ？どうすれば許されるんだ？ 誰か……誰か応えてくれ……」 その時、幽かではあるが肩に何かが触れた気がした. 誰かを 求めるあまり、自分で勝手に作り上げた幻覚かもしれない. そ れでもサイは期待を込めて自分の肩を確認する. 「なんだ……やっぱり気のせいか、ははは……」 期待したような誰かの手も、風に舞う落ち葉さえも無い. 自 分が馬鹿らしくなったサイの口からは、自然と乾いた笑いが込 み上げていた. 「ようやく笑ってくれたけど 楽しくなさそうだね、サイお兄ちゃん」 突然、少し拗ねたような少女の声が聞こえた. 忘れる訳もな い――それは親友マルタの声. 「マルタなのか！？そこに居るなら姿を見せてくれ！」 幻覚でもなんでもいい、今は自分を一人だと思いたくなかっ た. サイは無人と化した街を縋るように見回す. しかし依然と して人影が現れることは無い. それでも、彼が求めてやまなか った彼女の声だけは近くに感じる. 「サイお兄ちゃんってば、ずっと泣いてるんだもん. いつ笑ってくれるのかなぁと思ってたんだよ」 「泣いてなんかいないよ. だって君と二度と会えなくなった訳じゃない. またいつか会えるのに、悲しむ必要なんて無いんだから」 そう言いつつサイが自分の目元を触ると、濡れた頬を伝って とめどなく涙が溢れていた. いつから泣いていたのかと振り返 ってみれば、ずっと昔から泣いていたような気もする. 「ああそうか――本当は、僕も初めから分かっていたんだ. もう君と二度と笑い合えないってことを」 そう呟くと、自分が休むこと無く研究に明け暮れて、わざと 盲目的に生きてきた30余年の理由に納得がいった. 「昔はおもちゃ作りが楽しかった. 皆が笑ってくれるだけで楽しかったよ. だけどそれは全部、僕の一番の友達のマルタが側で一緒に 笑っていてくれたから楽しかったんだ. だから、君がいない現実を認めたくなかった僕は、 まだ君が居ると信じたかった. だけど――君はもう、死んでしまったんだねマルタ」 サイは自分でも気が付かなかった心の内を虚空に向かって語 りかけた. 言い終わると同時に、今まで感じることの無かった 陽の光の眩しさに目が眩みサイは目を閉じる. 長い間研究に没 頭していた彼にとっては朝も夜も関係なく、天気を気に掛ける 余裕など無かったのだ. 陽射しの暖かさに慣れた頃に目を開け ると――そこには、膝をついたサイと同じくらいの背丈の女の 子、マルタが居た. 「うん. マルタも悲しいけど、一緒に笑い合うことはできない. だけどね、サイお兄ちゃんがちゃんと 前を向いて生きてくれたら、マルタはそこにいるんだよ」 そう言って、泣き止んだサイの顔を覗き込んで微笑む姿は昔 のままだった. 「前を向いて生きないと、一緒にいてくれないのかい. ――どうりで、今まで寂しかった訳だ」 マルタの笑顔につられて、サイも自然と微笑む. 「うーん、この装置みたいな物はおもちゃじゃないの？ サイお兄ちゃんはおもちゃ作り以外ダメダメなんだから、 無理しない方がいいよ」 「そうだね、本当に僕はおもちゃ作り以外失敗ばっかりだ……」 そうして他愛もない会話をしながら、互いに互いの笑顔を見 られたことが嬉しくて２人はしばらく笑い合った. ◇ 白昼夢のような暖かい時間はゆっくりと過ぎて行った. 冷え 切ったこの街で、２人の声だけが熱を持っている. 交わす言葉 の切れ間にふと感じる街の静けさが、サイを夢から醒まさせる ようだった. 「……まだ皆が戻れるうちに、オバケから戻してあげないと. マルタね、空の女神さまにお願いしてたの. サイお兄ちゃんは悪い事をしようとしていたんじゃないです、 許して下さいって. そしたら、 さよならを言えたら許してくれるって言ってたよ」 サイの不安を感じてか、マルタは気丈に言うと、彼から一歩 後ろに下がり寂しそうに笑う. 「だから……ばいばい、サイお兄ちゃん. 楽しそうにしているお兄ちゃんが好きだよ」 サイは立ち上がって、マルタを真っ直ぐにとらえながら言葉 を告げた. 「ありがとうマルタ. また会うことが出来て嬉しかった. 君に応援してもらえるような生き方をするから、 どうか見ていてほしい」 サイは自分の頬を熱い涙が濡らしていることに気が付いた. 長い年月をかけて求めていた奇跡が、自分の一言で終わってし まう. この時を手放したくないと心が喚いていた. それでも、 今を生きていこうとする覚悟の芽生えが、彼の口を動かす. 「それじゃあ――――ばいばい、マルタ」 サイが精一杯の笑顔を作って言い終わると同時に、街の空気 がパキパキと軋みを上げた. 命の気配が色濃くなるにつれて、 笑顔で手を振るマルタの輪郭は、陽の光に溶け込んで消えて行 くのだった. ◇ 気が付くと、サイは大勢の人が行き交う街の喧騒の中に立っ ていた. 何ことも無かったかのように過ごす街の人々の様子を 見届けてから、発明品を抱えて家路につく. すると、公園の近くを通りがかった時に子どもの声がサイを 引き留めた. どうやら彼が持っている装置が珍しかったようで、 「なにそれー？」「どう使うのー？」 と無邪気に問いかけてくる. サイはその場で腰を下ろし、３ ０年かけて作り上げた装置を解体して簡単なおもちゃを作った. 「ほら、導力仕掛けの蝶だよ. 風に乗ってどこまでも飛んで行けるんだ」 「すごい！」「どっちが遠くまで飛んでいくか競争しようぜ！」 子どもたちは口々に声を上げて、サイが作ったおもちゃを手 に取って行く. 青空に舞う導力仕掛けの蝶を眺めながら、サイ は子ども達と一緒に笑い合うのだった."